Begin the Beguine

Here I go. Can't remember when I actually opened this blog, but obviously follow-through has taken a while. I suppose life has had a bit to do with it. Busyness and all. But we are all busy. Always. The other piece is the philosophical struggle I have with the idea of the blog. Who is it for? Is it for me? For my kids? For public consumption? I love the idea of keeping track of all these things that make up our lives, these quotidian miracles and messes. I love having a document to look back on, a place to reflect and unravel my own thoughts and desires. But I hate the idea of living through my blog. Trying to put some perfected version of my life out into cyberspace for public consumption. I don't want to be in the midst of a lovely moment, or capturing sweetness and light with my camera and thinking "this will be a great blog post." So the dichotomy (false, or otherwise) has always been whether to live life and be present in the moment or to document it and reflect on it. The classic problem of quantam physics. I'll never know until I try. We'll so where this goes. Hopefully it will be a blessing to me and to you, presuming there is a You, Dear Reader.

Currently the things that have been sucking my mental energy surround ordering my days. Life's rhythm has changed a bit around here with all three kids in school at least until noonish. It really isn't a huge chunk of time, but it's a new chunk of time, and margin in my life is a bit uncomfortable. I'm a fairly driven person. Some might say, a bit of an overacheiver. Some (hubands) might even say, I lack focus. I do well with 5 or 10 irons in the fire. I thrive with the pressure of deadlines and fitting projects into the small cracks of life. But ironically, I also crave the space and time and solitude to think, write and create. But when I get it I freak out and feel guilty to have this chunk of time to myself. In my studio. Running, whatever the day brings. Ultimately I know I need BALANCE to be healthy, to be the best mama and wife and artist and everything else I'm supposed to be. And Sabbathing is a command. One that we are so uncomfortable with. I need grace to even rest in this gift.