(This post was originally written 7/07)
We are in the midst of what feels like the tangliest yuckiest mess. Most of it involves money and the crazy circumstances (some choice, some imposed by things completely out of our control). Our rental house is on the market and we must sell it soon or we're pretty much screwed. Justin sold his fine, sporty, dependable car to free up some "buffer". He did it as a responsible decision, a sacrifice he thought would benefit us financially. Why drive a $8000 perfectly fine car when you could drive a $3000 perfectly fine car? Because $3000 perfectly fine cars don't really exist, I tell you! Two days after he bought it it blew up on his way to work. No, wait, it gets better. While he was sitting on the side of the road waiting for the tow truck a semi rolled by and kicked up some gravel that shattered the rear windshield. $1500 later he has a car that may or may not run for a while longer and a 1.5 hour commute to Bellevue. We should just start flushing money down the toilet and save ourselves the headache.
The good thing in this is that we have seen the provision of God through our family (blood and spirit) in the loaning of cars and the flat out writing of checks and the prayers and talks and listening and truth-telling. But what I really need to say is that it's not really about money. That's just the skin this lesson comes in. Right now I am struggling with my attitude toward Justin. It seems that whenever there is conflict or tension or he makes a bad decision I totally turn on him. I have no grace. I just look at the flaws, the cracks, the weaknesses and it's all I can see. I'm angry. I'm resentful because I managed our money and three young children while he was in Iraq and payed off almost all of our debt and hey- even bought a new house. I thought that was very Proverbs 31-like of me (she considers a field and buys it) and I only did so after much much research, prayer, counsel from many people. And now, it feels that our mortgage is nothing but a burden and he has a hard time enjoying our home. Of course, part of it is that we are paying one and a half mortgages right now because our tenant can only pay half her rent. Being a landlord is fun! If you have $20k to waste, er, throw around you should try it too! Once we sell the rental house it will free up a butt-load of money every month and that will help with the stress, but in the mean time I just am fed up and I feel like I don't know if it's worth it. My flesh just wants to go out and get a job and solve the problem on my own. Take care of myself. I know that's not really going to solve anything, but that's what my heart feels right now. I'm trying not to listen, but being numb doesn't seem like a good alternative.
Dear friends have reminded me that even in this God is near. And not only that, He is working through us, through our marriage and family and even using us to bless others. It's a freakin mysery to me. And I certainly don't feel it or see it. But I KNOW THAT GOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME THE PROBLEMS ARE NOT A FOOTNOTE, His story is richer and deeper and perhaps he is so close I can only see him if I squint. I know redemption and refining are It- the WHOLE POINT. Why do I always want to breeze by this stuff and rest in the safe, still places where his glory and peace are evident? I know the enemy is whispering to me as well, his sick, deadening lies. I pray the voice of truth will drown them out.
